Should I stay or should I go...?

Ello blogfans! I know I know I know, it's been a while since I last reported on my misadventures. But lets get the obvious out of the way first - Merry (how depends on consumption levels) Christmas and Happy New Year: rock on 2008! So for a brief update... I finally landed in Perth after l o n g e s t smelliest mineriest bus journey ever and arrived in the rain at casa del Saul who generously offered me a floor to crash on (yikes 2 months later and I'm still crashing on that floor, whoops - and quite literally because Big W just DOESN'T sell airbeds that remain inflated for the duration of a night). Work's good - busy and scary sometimes - and they love me so much I was almost going to be here forever... if anyone knows anyone dodgy in immigration please pass on their contact details to them?

Perth remains to be Perth. The smallest city furthest away from anyway and VERY warm. Much time has been spent attempting to crawl into the freezer (it's not as big as I might have hoped) and oscillating with my number 1 fan (I wish to hear no words from the air-con endowed population - needless to say after a Boxing Day in what was the hottest city in the world at 44 deg, I was a tad relieved to enter the climate controlled comfort of the office). What have I been up to? well I think it all went wrong from the time I crashed an IT party, a few guitar hero sessions later (rock juice gives you all kinds of ideas of coolness and grandeur that are nothing more than illusary) and I may well be a geek. Few trips to the beach and the burning hot sand and freezing cold (aahhhhhhhhhhhhh) water), the usual.

What does one get up to for Christmas in Australia? firstly it feels nothing like Christmas because I'm walking about town in shorts and looking at bizarrely decorated window dressings with snowmen in - just doesn't fit somehow... Well shock horror, one has a barbeque (delicious prawns pictured) and a cocktail party (with ones flatmates, thus not really a party, more just a lot of mojitos)! Yum yum in MY (slightly inflated) tum! And for New Years? One has (surprise surprise) a BARBEQUE!!! These Ozzies have it simple, but why change a formula that includes lots of sun, scrumptious food and a plethora of drink (not that I constantly think of my stomach)...

Oh and blogfans - don't think I'm taking this poll lightly, I have turned over my decision making authority (cos I can't make up my own mind) to the opinion of the majority (it could be interesting should there be a late surge for secret option d) because not even I know where that is...) Should you deem it really necessary to view pictures of some of my Perth people then your kicks are available from here.

Ozzie Rules A-OK

Oz Stereotype #26 - Australian Rules Football is a game that largely has no actual rules (see here for the official party line on the matter). From my in depth research and analysis: Affirmative. At least no rules that anyone appeared to follow... And yes, they really do wear criminally short shorts -----> Marvellous!

As part of my ongoing and entirely selfless campaign to promote generosity and niceness in general across the world I volunteered to collect money for charity (I'm doing it for the kids) for a couple of hours before and after the AFL match between the West Coast Eagles (my team of choice, partly because they're local, largely because they are currently embroiled in some fantastic stories of drugs and scandal in the papers, and partly because I like their team colours: blue and 'gold' - don't know what it is in Australia but nothing is ever yellow, always gold - some kind of complex left over from the days of prospecting I suspect) and Carlton Blues on Sunday. The offer of free tickets and free lunch was in no way the reason why I chose Sunday to be the day I honoured my generosity and niceness campaign. After having gorged on sandwiches in the MegaZone at the kids hospital (and let me tell you, mega goes no way to describe how awesome their play/chill out area was) and armed with a backpack stuffed with plastic handclappers (the <---- headache-maker as I called them), a money tin and a snazzy T-shirt, we headed to the Subiaco Oval to shout and bully and cajole people into giving us money - now this was something I could do and do I did, although many people would only give me money in exchange for a promise that I would SHUT UP! (ah money's money when it comes to charity, though I'm sure none of you could imagine me making lots of noise with my voice, ah-hem hmm hurrr.) 1 minute into the game it absolutely wee'd it down (in Australia?!? this isn't what I signed up for), and I mean wee like the sky had been hopping about on one leg for months before finally letting it go (which it probably had been in all honesty - *drought*). I was SOAKED to my soggy little pants. Boo hoo hoo.

Anyway and so to concentrate on important matters at hand. The 40 chaps running around the field after a ball. Yes 40!!! 18-a-side plus all these 'runner' dudes who just run about randomly during play to relay messages from the coach/local cocaine dealer. Loads of them. And in true schoolboy style they all huddled around the ball wherever it went. Throw the ball, kick the ball, wallop the other player, pass the ball, fight for a while, catch the ball, kick the ball in the goal, score! In this game you got points even if you missed the actual goal but got it through the posts in the mere vicinity of the goal. And from what I could see they weren't much good at catching the ball either, fumbling the ball they were great at, though when I voiced my comments that they might all be a bit on the useless side it didn't go down so well with the nearby Australians (I daresay the immortal phrase 'bloody pommies' was bandied about a fair bit). My favourite bit was the throw-in which is done by the referee in a manner that can only be described in terms of a giraffes mating ritual, biz-arre. Even though I had little to no idea what was going on most the time I had a great time (authentic Australian sporting experience, tick!) and the good old Eagles pulled through to win by 100-39. Whoop whoop woo, GO EAGLES!

We're going back to Brunie?! Please no!!! Ahhh, Burny not Brunie, well where's that then???

Ok, there's definitely a price to pay for cheap internet. I've written this already 3 times and it keeps on disappearing, so apologies if this is not as good as it should be but I'm losing my patience (and my iPod is in for repairs so not even Take That can save me now).

Anyways, spent the past week on Bruny Island (not Burnie, a very uninspiring industrial port on the north coast of Tas), which lets be honest doesn't feature heavily on many people's itinerary for worldwide travel being as it is just a little island more remote and with a more isolated community than that of 'mainland' Tassie (allow me to provide some perspective, the farm-boy hick that I had a brief conversation with when in the snowies - who also expressed a liking and enjoyment for rodeos - told me that it was a lovely place but the 'people are pretty interesting', all relative I guess). But I had a great time. In lieu of the promised heatwave we picked blackberries by the beach until red in the face (literally) and enjoyed much picnic type fun. As dark fell we went to the rookery to watch the nightly throng of fairy penguins who ritually stagger up the beach from the depths to moult, mate and sleep (ah the joys of the simple life). Sooooooo cute. Though not easy to photograph - I took reassurance when the ranger told me that the only people he ever saw get good shots turned out to be a film crew who also shot sections of the Planet Earth episode in the Antarctic!

The next day it was my turn to be waddling along away from the beach as it was time to take in a bushwalk, or five. I think the views were pretty nice, but i was busy concentrating on the groundin front of me as apparently tiger/brownsnakes are not that amenable to being trodden on. I was skipping as I came back to the beach and ran in the sea to cool off, and boy was it cool. Some might say icy, but I'm not one to judge. Got to do something I really wanted to by driving the km's along the empty beach at Cloudy Bay to our million dollar campsite (free) with awesome views. Although the worrying smoke that had filled the air all day suddenly burst into billowing clouds and flames leapt out from the forest - BUSHFIRE!!!! To add to the 'excitement' several thunderstorms raged overhead as the sun was setting, very very dramatic (needless to say my camera was out of batteries after the penguin blitz). Sadly the price to pay for remoteness is a sacrifice to access and firecrews were unable to contain the blaze which some think will last for months until they burn themselves out.

With that in mind it was essential to make the most of the rainforest there was, and surprise surprise, take a 'nature' walk through one. It seemed that the large majority of 'nature' present at that particular time consisted of hungry leeches eagerly wriggling about my ankles thirsty for my blood. Yum. Then went to Cape Bruny to survey the lighthouse and more splendid views. I didn't see them because a haze of smoke reduced visability to nothing more than a cloud, shame. Though you can see them here. After another walk it was definitely time to stay in a real campsite and indulge in the luxuries of shower, kitchen and oh oooh ooh a laundry!

That pretty much brings me up to present, I'm now in what might actually be considered a cosmopolitan city (I think I told an amusing anecdote about that in one of the posts that got deleted and I can't be bothered to re-write it, but with a little application of imagination I'm sure you can embellish an equally if not more amusing cosmopolitan city related anecdote - do share it with the world if you do) and am deciding between fuelling my addiction to iced coffees or going cold turkey, is proving troublesome.

STREWTH!!! (Oz stereotype #3, thus far unfounded - it's not in predictive text!)

G'day how you going? (application of local lingo #1 = successful thus far). Sorry but no pictures of me at the moment because the cable thingy has somehow moved from being in my bag to not being in my bag and thus out of reach (not any more - UPDATED!). Many apologies photo fans. Though on that topic if it's photo's you're after allow me to refer you to my slightly geeky family photo competition site at www.snappercomp.blogspot.com - and this is where I ask my fanbase, that's you, to work for me by posting many a positive comment about MY piccies, I'm not condoning making disparaging remarks about works by other competitors, but should you make any then I'm not one stop the right to freedom of expression and suchlike.

Should you be a bizarre creature who has other things to do than indulge my lifestyle, then I'll just give a brief update as to my most recent of goings on. Left the 'cloudy mountains' behind and shuttled off down to the capital heartland of Cranberry, which really is in the middle of NOWHERE, but a lovely city it was. Even though my tour guide had absconded to the beach (grrrr) and the only other offer was of a slightly intimidating drunk (shocker) irish fellow who's advances and offers of a 'chaperone' I hastily turned down. Crowning glory moment would be taking a tour of the government building and chatting to the friendly security guards therein. Marvellous, learnt more in 45mins than ever did during public law semester at uni (though that could say more about my ability to handle the morning after a 'few' drinks than anything else...). 26th January saw the celebration of my (well European in general I think but that's not nearly self-serving enough for me) arrival in Australia with some big fireworks display over the lake which was pretty good (minus the crowd rousing clip of commentary from the Ashes, grrrr - though I can report that England beat Oz in the beach cricket match televised last night, and you're only as good as your last game so that speaks for itself).

Headed up to the (not very snowy) Snowy Mountains for a few days camping in los great outdoors. Tent still slightly suffering at the hands of it's better poled compadre's but rallied through the winds admirably (only jumped in the air a few times, aargh). I climbed to the top of Australia (the lumpy hill like thing in the middle of picture) and ate an apple. Which was nice. Then I took a day horse riding but was not allowed to wear cool akubra hat (Oz stereotype #27 - alive and well) for health and safety reasons, but a delicious lunch avec wine made up for that - luckily wasn't caught by police for riding a horse whilst under the influence (was only one glass, but hey, this is me), but then again this was a place where they have drive-thru liquor shops, read into that what you will... Bid farewell to the land of local radio which unashamedly played redneck country and western music ('the fellow wore a nice hat' my particular favourite lyric). Went to beach which was awesome in the white sand blue sea kind of way. In general lots of pretty scenery. Back to Squidney to fly to Tassie which is where I am currently stationed waiting for the bank to pull through for me, should they ever do so. Disparaging comments about Mastercard wholesomely welcomed.

Geography fans will be pleased to note that I have updated my map - (Baghdad where are you). Trivia fans: a koala bears fingerprints are virtually indistinguishable from a humans. The bank robbery? It was that fellow in the corner, yep the one munching on eucalyptus between naps. I'm going up a mountain now (wish they were flatter but what can you do)...

OZ jus' cannea believe it

Crikey (Oz stereotype #49), THEY LET ME IN!!!!! Underwent a mild bout of panic at immigration when was told to "just step this way please..." Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggh! Fortunately just some 'routine' thingymcjiggy that they had to do. Made it past that hurdle only to be confronted with quarantine. Apparently this wasn't the time to be making flippant remarks about bullfrogs and the like. Even my best "I've been on a plane for hours and am really tired but think you're the most amazing person I've ever met" smile didn't allow me to queue jump the hoards of Thai's who were under the impression their shoes were poisonous (still don't really understand what was going on there), and all because I picked up a few shells on the beach in Thailand.

Anyways, a quick hop on the bus and I was in Squidney baby! (pic below

= Oz stereotype #5) were it not dark I would say that the sun was shining gloriously. It still is, yayayayay! Awoke the next morning full of life (it was afternoon) and went for a little explore. I pootled around the Squidney Aquarium with the duck billed platypusses (seen above, Oz stereotype #167), scary sharks, penguins and educational lessons (the difference between a croc and a 'gator is their teeth, when jaw shut croc shows both upper and lower teeth - I'm writing this trivia here so I don't forget it), and NEMO and friends!!!! It's pretty expensive here so don't judge me for being boring but it was free so I went to the National Maritime Museum and learnt all about ships of yore (and snuck into the pirates exhibit yo ho ho), also went to the IMAX movies for some 3D fun. Lots of other wondering around the place, sitting in people's chairs (who is this Macquirie dude that everything is named after? Google it for me someone will you) and looking at pictures (art galleries = free, yay, art gallery cafe = deffo NOT free, yikes). Pootled over to Manly on the ferry (young children came of use here when big wave threatened to splash me but being the kind person I am I said that young kiddo could stand in front of me so she got soaked instead, hahahahaaaaaaa) wondered around (walking = free, new pair of shoes = not so cheap, subsequent blisters = less amusing) and ate lovely fish n' chips on beach (preying seagulls at no extra cost). Went over to Bondi (pictured here, Oz stereotype #18) but all the surfers there were rubbish (read: not good looking enough) so wondered along the coast over rocks and through yonder whatevers and stuff for rest of day.

Aha, just realised I forgot to mention the exact reason why everything I did had to be on the cheap side of cheap. I lost my wallet. Thought it could have been stolen. Reported said loss to police. Cancelled all my cards. Went to sleep. Woke up next morning to message from police "wallet has been handed in", friendly dude didn't even take the cash out of it. Now have wallet complete with cards that don't work cos I cancelled them. Grrrrrr. Got replacement 'emergency' credit card at bargain basement price (ouch) that was such an 'emergency' it took about 5 years for it to get to me. Alas I'm not bitter. Much.

Well once all that palarva was sorted out I have finally made it out of Squidney (repetition of cute misspelling of name in hope that it catches on) and went up to yonder Blue Mountains avec huge car and tent with hideously bent poles that make tent laughing stock of campsite, it is being seriously bullied. Well here's a picture of the 'three sisters' but don't let that fool you into thinking that the view was nice fort he whole 2 hour walk that I did, oh nononono. Lots of clouds and not a lot of Blue or indeed Mountain seen at all (as seen on right of screen, behind perplexing image of myself), but fortunately after a handy application of Take That (have a little patieaaaaaaance) and Japanese tour group camaeraderie through the fog the clouds parted and

this vista was bestowed upon me, bet The Darkness never had this trouble (look up your MTV trivia). Now just driving around for a few days, will obviously keep you updated as to my whereabouts, but must go because this country is veeeerrrrry B.I.G. But not in the Tom Hanks way.